This evening I am tired.
I am currently sitting at the end of my 4 year olds bed, while he watches Morph on his (my) ipad before bed.
I am sure I am a terrible mother for doing this, but I always allow him half an hour (or so) screen time before bed. It gives me peace and calms him down. And I let him go to sleep listening to music (also on the ipad). – shocking..
Last night he was restless – blocked nose making him uncomfortable – and, as we let him sleep with us, that meant a restless night for everyone. I cursed him when he made me get up to get him tissues – more awful parenting I am sure.
This morning I went on his nursery trip to Ryton Pools – a country park – where I entertained four 4 year olds for 3 hours – making mud pies, building dens, mud painting and many more activities. Being super-enthusiastic and cheery.
Then, after getting back, I bundled him off to the childminders so I could shoot into work.
I got home from work around 7pm. 10 1/2 hours after leaving home. And now here I am sitting at the end of his bed. Contemplating life.
I am shattered. This is my life.
I have great intentions to be a better mum, a better wife, to have a tidier and cleaner home, to have friends and go out and do stuff, but I generally take on too much and regularly feel like I am failing to deliver any of it. And then become half-hearted about everything…
I took on something last year that I hoped I would be able build into something great, or at least something- something that might have allowed me to slow down and possibly reduce what I do in terms of work. But more and more it has dawned on me that I don’t have the time or energy to dedicate to it in the first place. But maybe one day…
I still keep up the blogging though. Is that bad? Maybe I shouldn’t. I mean , it doesn’t bring any respite or income. But I love it. I still keep plodding away at it. I know some people read it – not many – but still some do.
I know I sometimes just get too much into my head and should probably look at the bigger picture and be happy with what I have – I do know that I am actually really lucky, but I have a terrible habit of looking at other people and wishing I had what they have. Of course I also know that the grass isn’t always greener and appearances can be deceptive!!
I just wish someone could wave a magic wand for me and maybe put more hours in the day so I could fit in all the things I want to do. And give me the energy, confidence and ambition to do it all. Oh and maybe more money…