Every few months we get to go out. Just the two of us.
Mostly it is a planned event. Something we have bought tickets for years ago.
We almost never do impromptu nights off.
And this date night was no different.
Last year – possibly for Fathers day – I had bought us tickets to go and see Michael Mcintyre. We had seen him perform live before and both enjoy his sense of humor.
We packed the children off to the grandparents and headed in to Birmingham.
Firstly we stopped at Coast 2 Coast for dinner.
There seemed to be a lot of grumpy people (customers) around us, but we had a fabulous meal. The waitress was lovely and aside from our drinks taking a while to arrive – they were worth it when they did! – and the kitchen having forgotten the grana padano shavings on my salad – wouldn’t have had room for them anyway! – we had a lovely time.
We made it to the arena in time to see the warm-up act – Paul Tonkinson – who was fab.
Then there was a 25 minute interval where everyone queued for the toilets and expensive bars, before Michael Mcintyre came on.
The funniest parts of his act, for me, have to be the parenting truths he tells.
He tells it like it is. He doesn’t care that people might judge him. He doesn’t sugar coat it and it is sooooooo funny.
His material was all new, to us anyway, and we laughed solidly for an hour.
I don’t want to steal his thunder and tell you any of his gags so I thought I would come up with some parenting truths of my own – some are not for the fainthearted!!
1. You can’t wait to get away from them but you miss the kids when they are not around.
2. You go to work for a break
3. They are all obsessed with you-tube and watch the most inane rubbish on there – like the videos where someone has wrapped plastic tat toys in playdough and then unwraps them…
4. They follow you everywhere and you long to be able to shower or pee by yourself
5. “Can I just do one more” gets boring after the hundredth time and you finally lose your rag
6. When you let them choose their own dinner and they still do not eat it…
7. You dread going to the supermarket with them as they will demand to see the toys and then throw a wobbly when you say they can’t have one
8. The bottle of rum that has been on top of the fridge for years, suddenly becomes vey appealing on a Saturday night
9. You dread teacher training days and school holidays – whose idea was it to have school holidays?
10. Date nights are just plain awkward – when you have run out of kid things to talk about what else is there to say?
11. Even on your day off you have to get up at 7am. You often say “I can’t wait til you are a teenager and I can wake you up”
12. They want everything they see on tv adverts – even if it’s food and they have tried it before and don’t like it, if they see an advert they want you to get it again.
13. They want magazines – but never read the magazine – just play with the plastic toys they come with (for 5 minutes anyway..)
14. You watch kids tv – even when you are alone
15. Your washing pile looks like you run a Chinese laundry
16. They don’t say good morning or hello. mostly it is “can I play on your phone?”
17. The minute you start to speak to someone, they suddenly want to tell you something
18. The minute you tell them to go to sleep, they suddenly want to tell you something
19. Everyone else thinks they are angels – particularly their grandparents – but for you they are complete monsters
20. You realise what you put your parents through and suddenly everything makes sense
21. You dread birthday parties, or more precisely the sugar high aftermath of birthday parties
22. You don’t cringe when they call you to come and wipe their bottoms
23. As soon as they get into bed, their bottom hurts
24. You can never find the bottom cream or calpol when you need it
25. Silence is NOT golden. it is just plain strange and disturbing
26. All games end in tears
27. Sniffing bottoms is not out of the question
28. If your child is sick, your immediate reaction is to put out your hands to catch it
29. You panic if they get a rash – even if it is the same heat rash they have had hundreds of times before
30. Your heart melts when they say I love you.
31. “I hate you” is a sign you have succeeded as a parent!
32. You no longer shop for yourself but end up coming home with hundreds of pounds shopping – all for the kids
33. You know if they have a temperature just by kissing their foreheads
34. You do get sick of the name “mummy” after the four hundredth time it has been said in the last hour
35. Haribo is your friend even if you swore to never let sugar pass their lips
36. Grey hair and wrinkles. Enough said.
37. You go through playdough like nobodies business because the lid is always left off
38. You develop supersonic hearing and can hear every little movement
39. Tidying up is an endless and thankless task
40. And sleep… Well sleep is for wimps.